Expectations - A Recipe for Disappointment

Standing Strong Podcast Season 3, Episode 3. That's right, it keeps getting better. Welcome back to another episode. Today we're going to be talking about expectations and all that good stuff. Yeah, it's one of my favorite subjects to talk about. That's very true, and one she has some very great opinions on, some opinions that have really helped me, and I think are going to help you as well. I found a really cool quote actually by Bruce Lee, and it says, I am not in this world to live up to your expectations, and you're not in this world to live up to mine. And that's by Bruce Lee. I think those are great words to live by. Yeah, without a doubt.

So in terms of expectations, what are we talking about when we say expectations? I think not only the thoughts that you have of how other people should be or act or the choices that they make, but also how they interpret your choices and their expectations of you and your decisions and how you should live your life. Right, and one thing that this quote by Bruce Lee doesn't mention and something that we should all consider when it comes to expectations is that expectations of other people lead to disappointment. Yeah, I totally agree with that.

I have had expectations of individuals in situations that I get disappointed, and I've also felt it on the other side where they've again thought I should make different choices and be a certain way that didn't align with their beliefs. So I think that kind of gets everybody in trouble in that moment and makes you really have to take a step back to say you are you and I am me and we do have different beliefs, obviously, or we would all be the same, right? Right, exactly. And when you have those expectations, you expect those people to live up to those expectations. But newsflash, just like you're not there to live up to their expectations, they're not here to live up to your expectations.

So when you try to take the expectations out of the equation, which is not an easy thing to do, it's easier to look back at it with a 10,000-foot view and be okay with the decisions that they make, realizing that they're living their life and what you expect of them is not how they should be living their life. And I think ultimately that comes down, we don't always know an entire story. You know, when we're looking at someone and our expectation of them or theirs of ours in a situation, and then I think you fall into a whole different category of judgment because you think to yourself, like, how can you act like that? How could you do that?

You know, not understanding why they feel the way they feel, whether it's right or wrong. You know, there's always a full story that you probably don't know all the details. Right. And it reminds me of, like, a little viral video that I watched recently where there is a guy on the bus. It's actually a viral photo, and someone made a meme out of it. There's a guy on a bus who is in tattered clothes and shaving. And I forget exactly what the meme said, but it was very judgmental, went viral, and the guy actually responded and went to the news to give his side of the story, which was he had recently lost his wife. He lost his job.

He lost his home, and he was homeless living in a homeless shelter, and he was on the bus going to a job interview and was trying to make himself look presentable. So in that moment, someone judged him. People judged him. People laughed at him. However, all he was trying to do was better himself. And so our expectation is you can't get on a bus and shave, but when you have no other choice, he didn't care what other people expected of him. He needed to do what he needed to do to try to get back on his feet and move forward in life. Right, and I think we, in general, our human nature is to want the best for people, so we try to find a way to help situations.

But in the end, again, that's their life. This is your life. That is their life. Don't be judgmental. Don't expect them to act or react the way that you do because we're all different. That's exactly true, and especially when it comes to business and the way people earn money. My expectation is everyone should work for themselves, create their own businesses, and live the lives that they want to live. However, what I've found is there are very, very few individuals in this world with that type of mindset. And it gets really hard when I think everyone, not everyone in the world doesn't have that mindset. Everyone in the world, lots of people want to, don't have the courage to.

I expect them to, and then I get disappointed. I'm like, why are you still talking about this if you're never going to do anything about it? And I need to realize that the way I live, my tolerance for, what is the word I'm looking for? My tolerance for risk is higher than most people's, and I was able to take that risk and willing to take that risk where there's a lot of people that just aren't willing to take that risk. So even though I want them to do it, a lot of people want to do it, I got to realize that I can't expect them to do it because we all have different lives. Yeah, and I think also in business, you don't realize the hustle that goes into that.

You can have the desire to work for yourself or to own your own company and things like that, but desire doesn't make you money. Action does. So if you're not putting in the work and learning your field or just applying every moment that you have to the hustle that it takes to succeed, you're always going to just have the desire because you're not putting that in action. And that's hard for us because we are such motivators. We hear someone's dream. We hear like, I want to do this. This is where I want to go. And we're like, all right, we want to go with you. We want to help you and do all of this. And then, you know, we see the other side of it.

And it's like, well, I've learned, you know, to step back and let them do them because that's their business. That's not our business. As much as I want it for them, I want to see them succeed. I want to help them, whether it's joining them or, you know, meeting with them and encouraging them in those dreams, whatever the case, if they're not putting in the work to achieve, it's not going to happen. Right. And what's funny is when it comes to starting a business, people's motivation is super high when they start and they think they know it all. And there's a really cool graph. I forget what it's called, but basically you're starting, you're motivated. You think you know it all.

Then you have this very steep dip where you're demotivated and you realize you don't know jack diddly crap and have a lot to learn. And then that curve slowly rises up to, okay, I know what I'm doing, but I need to know more. And then your motivation rises as your ability to understand business and what you're doing rises. And then that graph keeps going up until you're successful. But what people don't realize is you receive the least when you're the most motivated in the beginning and where everything's made is down in that valley when you're unmotivated, don't want to do it and not getting anything in return.

And I think that's where people fall off when it comes to starting a business and why I can understand most people just can't do it. That valley is very hard to climb out of once you get in it because you're doing so much work and receiving so little in return that it gets demotivating. And, I mean, why would I expect someone to go through that? Yeah, but I think for me at least, like to be on the encouraging side, you know, I always say I'm a professional life cheerleader, you know, like I hear the desire and I'm so excited for them to achieve and feel and do what we do, you know, and there's a lot of people are in their minds a lot more successful than we are.

And that's the whatever your definition of success is. But to have the freedom that we have to live the life that we live, I mean, it's unbelievable. And I want other people to experience that because their desire is so strong and I have to watch myself to say, you can't do it for them. You can't, like I said, I can't want it for you. I can't take you, I wanna take you by the hand and I wanna show you all the steps that are gonna help you, but I can't just dive right in and buy into what you're doing and because that's not my desire, right? Like that's not, I just want you to succeed, but I can't go and get you all the sales and go and market for you all the time.

And I can't, that's not my desire. That's your desire that I'm trying to make reality. But that's where I have to draw a line and say, okay, I've learned that in my life is help, encourage, but don't do. Right, and I think also that's where, you see what an expectation is. An expectation really is just your desire for someone else to do what you believe is the right thing. Right. That make sense? Yeah. So here's an example when it comes to expectations that I think everyone can relate with that we live by and that is with money and loaning money. When I loan money, I only loan money when I can lose that money.

I do not loan money with the expectation that it will ever come back to me because I believe that relationships are more important than money. So if someone's in a need, I have the money to do it, I don't mind loaning it to them. If they pay us back, that's great. However, if they never do pay us back, I didn't give it to them with that expectation. Therefore, my feelings aren't hurt and I'm not holding their feet to the fire because I didn't expect it back. Now, I don't give it to them saying, hey, listen, I don't want you to pay me back. I say, here's the money, pay me back when you can. If they can, they do. If they don't, they don't.

But at the end of the day, the relationship can live on because the money was given upfront in my mind without the expectation of return. However, on the flip side, if they do pay it back, it makes my thought about them, what I think about them, that goes up. Right, and I think, like you said, money can destroy a relationship. People say, well, you said you were gonna pay me back, you didn't pay me back. I get that. But I also, we totally agree in the sense of, if I have the money, that's the key, if I have the money, and when I say I have the money, it doesn't mean I have the money today. It means that I have the money that I don't need tomorrow to give you.

Because if you go and put yourself in a bind to help someone else's need, again, there's different scenarios, different things that could go wrong, and I can't say I wouldn't do it in that moment. However, in our realm of situations of people, if they needed something, or what we've been in ourselves, understanding that they obviously are borrowing the money because they truly do not have it right now. So if I wanna help them, I'm gonna help them how I can. If I can't help them, I'm gonna tell them, I'm really sorry, I can't help you right now, and try to find another way to help them.

But understanding that I can't put myself or our family in a predicament that we're gonna be turning to say, hey, you gotta give me that money back because my mortgage is due. If I just gave you my mortgage money and now I can't pay my mortgage, that's not a very good choice. Right, that's kind of irresponsible on your part. Right, and again, I mean, I can't say I wouldn't because I do feel like there are scenarios that I have not been in, but that I would say, I don't know, I'd have to be in that predicament to say what it would be, but in a wise choice is I'm not gonna put myself or my family in a situation I can't help myself tomorrow to help you today. You know, that's not very wise.

Now, when it comes to expectations of others, kind of talked a little bit about that, but let's talk about expectations of us. And I don't think, and I don't think it's healthy to live your life for other people's expectations. And we've all seen it, we all know it, because all of our parents, if you had decent parents at all, had some type of expectations for us. They wanted us to be successful. They wanted us to be happy, healthy, all of that good thing, all of those good things. However, their definition of success and their definition of how you should live your life successfully could vary greatly on how you actually live your life. Mine is an example.

I spent my entire adult life up until the point where I truly started making, in everyone else's eyes, you know, good amounts of money. It was consistently, every time I seen my parents, it was, we're praying for you. I come from a very religious family, but we're praying for you that you're finally gonna find the job that you want, the job that you need, the job that's gonna keep you, you know, ground down so you can support your family, all of those things. However, and like I always told them, well, you're gonna be praying for a long time because I'm not looking for a job. And most people just couldn't understand that.

And their expectation of me, they were very disappointed in me, you know. Over and over and over again, we heard, you know, I don't know how Shannon's gonna support his family. Oh, look at Shannon, little Shannon going to work while big Shannon sits at home and plays on the computer. You know, all of those things where, you know, I was out there building my dream, building the life that we wanted, but other people's expectations were not met.

Therefore, I was a loser, I was a bum, I was gonna end up on drugs and in jail, and, you know, all of these things, not because, you know, the people hated me, because it's because the people loved me and they have an expectation that you need to do the right things. And their right things were different than my right things. So there's no way I could live up to their expectations because I was never gonna do it. Yeah, and I think one thing that sets me apart from a lot of people is people-pleasing. I am not a people-pleaser. I've never been a people-pleaser. I've always had the desire of whatever was in my head of what I was gonna do, and you could call that a strong-willed child.

I mean, I have one of those, so I'm pretty sure she's on the same track I was. But, you know, it's one of those things that as an adult, I have not had to worry about being a people-pleaser, because if I don't wanna do it, I'll tell you no. Right, and one thing that she'll always tell you is your no's mean no's, and your yes's mean yes's, and that's a great thing when it comes to expectations because our default is we want to explain our answers, explain our actions. When our answers are yes's and no's need no explanations. Yeah, I learned that from the Lisa Turkerhurst book, The Best Yes, one of the best books I've ever read.

But I will say, not that I was a people-pleaser at all, but I did feel the need to explain why I feel what I feel. So if someone invited me somewhere, you know, whatever it was, and I said, no, I can't because, you know, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I don't need to do that. No, I'm sorry, I can't go. That's all that matters. Right, and still to this day, I mean, I would say that I'm way more of a people-pleaser than you are, and still to this day, she'll say no to something, and I'll ask her, well, did you tell her why you said no? And she's like, no. I'm like, why not? She's like, because it doesn't matter. It's a no.

And I get, not frustrated, but I get stressed out because I'm like, we need to call him back and explain to them why we said no. Right, to me, it's irrelevant. My answer is no. It doesn't matter why the answer is no because even if I explain it to that person, to them, that becomes an expectation of, well, then you should cancel your plans that you already have made because that's not as important to them, but it is to me. Or it's a situation, like say we're making plans, and we look at it and we're like, hey, listen, we just got back from vacation. I don't wanna come over. I don't wanna hang out. I'm tired. You know, whatever. If it's even as simple as that, I don't need to explain that.

No, sorry, I'm not gonna make it. You know, and like you said, you wanna please that person by explaining yourself. I have no desire to do that because it's completely irrelevant in the situation. Right, and I believe she's right in the situation. I don't think you should explain it. However, it's still a struggle that I have. And it just comes down to you wanna please the person, and at the end of the day, like you said time you say yes to something, you're saying no to something else. Correct. So if I say yes to working overtime, I'm saying no to time with my family. If I say yes to time with my family, I'm saying no to time with my friends. So you got to decide what's more important.

Live to your expectations and don't care about anyone else's expectations because that's what's important to you. And at the end of the day, that's what matters. Yeah. And I think, you know, we've been in plenty of situations where the reaction of someone or how they treat someone or what they do in that situation, like we think to ourselves, who thinks like that? Who in their right mind thinks that's okay to do that? Well, obviously they do. And I think when you truly can look at someone and accept them for who they are, then your expectations really are, you don't have to have them anymore because there are situations that I go in daily.

I mean, I'm daily where, you know, in my eyes, I think that's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard of. However, that person is so consistent on their beliefs, just like I am, that I've grown to understand that that's who she is or he is. I accept them for who they are. I'm not going to change them and I'm not trying to change them. That's something they have to do on their own. Now, I can change my environment. I can allow myself to be subjected to those people or those situations. I'm in charge of that. So you have the right to understand that don't expect someone to think or act like you do because we're all different. We all have different beliefs.

We've all been in different situations that make us who we are as a person or grew up in a household with different people that maybe are more compassionate or more caring or more open the doors like you could have 10 families living inside your house. That doesn't mean everybody's going to do it, you know, and understanding that they are who they are. I am who I am. They believe what they believe and I believe what I believe. Doesn't mean it's right or wrong. I believe I'm right. They believe they're right. There's no reason to have the expectation of changing them to understand.

It's better just to accept someone for who they are and what they believe and then you make the choice on what you surround yourself with. Right, and I think the caveat here as well is you got to understand what is expectations, what is criticisms, and what is useful advice. Because someone might have an expectation of you and it's not up to you know, you're not living up to their expectation, but inside of that expectation they could have some really good advice or criticisms about you that need to be addressed.

For example, and the reason I bring this up is that reason is for the longest time I cared what nobody thought, did what I wanted to do and how I wanted to do it because I knew what I was building and what I was working towards. However, inside of there, there's an expectation that you should treat people with decency. You should treat people with respect and all of those things. And I'm not saying I purposely go out there and disrespect people or not treat them nicely. However, there was a time in my life when I was going through depression, anxiety, trying to work through being molested as a kid and never talking about it, that I was an angry person.

There was times that I yelled at people. There was times that I exploded on people with my attitude and my rage. I'm not talking about like beating people up, but you know yelling at people and saying disrespectful things. And it's something that I had to realize that I needed to make a change. And the first way I had to make a change is I had to get counseling to work through all those issues to deal with the anger. But with all this being said, we're not saying blindly go through life and not listen to anything anyone says because there's always lessons to be learned from other people.

And inside of those expectations are some genuine concerns, are some genuine bits of information that I think you should consider. But at the end of the day, it's up to you to decide what bits and pieces that you take from that. Does that make sense? Yes. And on top of that too, and again, I think this is a whole different podcast to go into, but who you're surrounding yourself with and their opinions on what those are. Because I do agree, like there are things that I've learned I might say no to and then somebody is then able to tell me, okay, but look at this part of the story and help me understand and wrap my mind around why maybe my answer should be yes or something like that.

But surrounding myself with that person that I'm willing to listen to and understand their morals or values or things like that, not just the expectation of my neighbor, because their last neighbor baked them a cake every week and invited them over for coffee. Just because that neighbor did it doesn't mean I need to do it. Understanding that there's people that are going to have expectations for you that you just need to know who you're surrounding yourself with.

And the reason I say this, I'm kind of babbling right now because my mind's going so fast, but the expectations that your parents have for you when you're growing up, I feel like those expectations are for your good because they already know and you don't realize it at the time because you don't think they know anything. But now that we're parents of a teenager, I'm looking at him going like, hey, you got to get your life on track. These are your goals. You can't be slacking and not turning in your homework and expecting to get a scholarship one day or go to that university that you've desired since you were five years old. And those things might change for him.

My expectation is always going to be for the better of my children. So I think understanding that the expectations, it depends on who they're coming from as well and whether you're going to meet them. But my mom used to always say, and this is true for our son, is that my expectation for you is here, and you guys can't see my hands right now, but it's at a higher level. But the expectation you have for yourself is up 10 notches. But that's a desire that my parents put inside of me to be better than what other people expected from me. And that has its ups and downs too of the type of person that you're going to end up being and things like that.

But it's kind of a roundabout way of saying sometimes the expectations people do have for you are healthy expectations, whether it's a mentor or a parent, those things. It doesn't mean they're always wrong just because it's an expectation somebody has of you. So you have to be open-minded of what you're surrounding yourself with. Right. And the bottom line is this. Don't expect things from other people because it's going to lead to disappointment. Don't live your life trying to fulfill other people's expectations because that's going to lead to unhappiness. And then at the end of the day, always seek wise counsel because if you're not seeking wise counsel, you're never going to grow.

So it's skirting that fine line between not living in someone else's expectation and seeking the counsel from other people that you trust and believe in so that you can identify the areas that you need to grow and grow in those areas. Agreed. So I think that, are you good? Do we want to talk about anything else on that? No, I think that's great. Yeah, I think that's great as well. What we'd love to do is go follow us on Instagram. I'm at BigShannonHerod and LittleShannon. What is your Instagram handle? At LittleShannonHerod. At LittleShannonHerod. Go follow us on Instagram. We have stories every day. We post pictures and things like that.

And you'll see images with the podcast and things like that. So if you go, after you're listening to this, in the comments, let us know. How have you been affected by expectations and how have you been let down by expectations? I'd love to hear from you guys. And you could also go to, I think Facebook, but I think Instagram is the best place to go for that right now. And let us know because we'd love to hear about what your thoughts are. Yeah. Also, if you could rate and subscribe to the podcast, the rating really helps. Give us a fair rating. I'm not telling you to give us five star or one star. Give us a rating that you feel like we deserve and leave us some feedback, positive or negative.

We want to hear all of them. Subscribe to the podcast. You can visit us at standingstronger.com. That's standingstronger.com. And then we also have our websites really lead to the same place, but shannonherod.com. LittleShannon, is it LittleShannonHerod or just LittleShannon? LittleShannon. LittleShannon.com. All right. Well, I think that will wrap it up. Thanks. Have a fantastic day. And as always, hopefully we'll see you on the beaches of the world. Oh, we got it right that time. Bye. Bye. Bye. Every day is a new day. And everything's going your way. You wanna make it last forever. We'll keep it together 'cause it keeps getting better.